I'm Not Unique

**Note: I wrote this months ago but was ambivalent to press publish. In fact, my ambivalence has kept me silent for a few months. I write for many reasons; finding my voice, articulating my opinions more cogently and better understanding myself, especially as a mother. However, one of the most compelling reasons that I write is how much validation and solace I find in reading what other people write and believing I can provide some of that as well. Life can be a lonely experience if we believe that no one understands us or has similar experiences as we do. If we shared more, we would realize just how much we have in common.

The famous priest, Henri Nouwen wrote, “the most personal is the most universal.” If you can’t understand me, know that many others will. I’ve chosen to say some of the quiet parts out loud, and I have no doubt, I am not unique.

I can’t remember a time in my life before not knowing, not believing, that I am only worthy of love if I am not fat. That it's part of a woman's job and destiny to fight her body, to hate her body, to deprive her body, and to never, ever, be satisfied with how she looks. Indelible damage was exacted on my psyche and of course, I generously gifted it to my children. This is not an Orthodox Jewish thing. This is a Western Civilization thing and definitely a family context thing BUT body issues and deep seated beliefs take on a whole new level of complexity when you're an Orthodox Jewish woman. 

A woman’s body is at the center and the core of her Orthodox Judaism. And her body is not her own.

A woman’s religiosity is valued, measured and judged by how she covers up the body she was taught to hate. That same body is sexualized and sinful yet as precious as pearls. But not always sinful. For the right time and purpose it's beautiful and holy. Other times it's not and she must make sure that she never confuses the two and act like it's sinful when it's supposed to be holy. If she feels confused, she’s just doing it wrong. 

Women are commanded by men to do things with their bodies. Monthly. Counting, checking, cleaning. Every last tiny spot. She shouldn’t be obsessive about it, but if she gets it wrong, the punishments are severe. Really severe. Not in this world. In the eternal world. If she’s anxious or obsessive about it, she’s doing it wrong. Don’t ask questions, but ask all the questions to the Rabbi’s. Because the Rabbi’s said so.

In the pursuit of “passionate and sanctified marriages” Orthodox Jewish women and men are instructed not to pass, not to pour, not to touch, and to accept as a norm being deprived of the basic human need for touch, for half of each month. In fact, that need is sexualized. Even when she’s a new mom. Even when she’s suffering from loss. Even when she’s had a hard day. Even, even, even. She is instructed to create dysfunctional relational patterns with her spouse, and it's normalized. It's accepted without question. If she questions, she is told that all of these rules and regulations were divinely dictated and codified by men who were on a level she can’t possibly understand and who were divinely inspired to know exactly what women should do. 

She is taught that these rules are about maximizing intimacy when for so many, it does the opposite. She is gaslighted and told that if it's not working, or it’s difficult and doesn’t feel healthy, she isn't doing it right or she needs to work on her beliefs. She needs to believe harder.

Marriage is a woman’s most important goal as an Orthodox Jew. Actually, marriage is THE goal. There is absolutely no place for you as a woman in the Orthodox Jewish community, if you are not married. You are evaluated by your marriage status and by how quickly and easily you achieve it. 25 years old and not married? It’s a crisis and a failure. Career minded? You’ve been influenced by non Jewish values. A woman's greatest purpose in life is to raise a family. According to this thinking, I birthed seven daughters and raised them so that they can birth children. Most tragically, if you never marry or are married without children, you are pitied and forsaken. You can try to find a purpose but you’ll never find a place.

We are taught that married women are treasured and valued but to enter marriage, she must be stripped of her former identity by both giving up her name, and transforming how she looks by covering her hair. However, if she spends $4,000+, she can get fake hair so she can come pretty close to maintaining her identity or at least having others see her more for her, even if she never, ever, feels completely like herself again.

Women who wear these wigs and hair coverings are considered more pious than a married woman whose hair is uncovered. Even if the wig is so good, it’s difficult to discern it as a wig. Orthodox Jewish women’s religious commitment is reduced to and evaluated first and foremost by her adherence to dress code. Not by her values. Not by her kindness. Not by her generosity. Not by her Torah learning. Not by her observance of every single other commandment. She can have all of those things in abundance, but if she isn’t compliant with the dress code, she is definitively NOT as “religious” as a woman who covers up and is cruel and unkind. 

If a woman questions “the Rabbis”, she must be a feminist and there is nothing more abhorrent to Orthodox Judaism than being a feminist. The empowerment of women is definitely not a Jewish value. Well, it is- but not in that way. We don’t believe in rights. We believe in roles and responsibilities and the Rabbis have made clear what women’s roles must be. But they are men, she asks? and women were never included in any of those conversations? and these rules were established during a particular time period with a specific context? She’s an apostate. Everything the men have dictated is divine and to question is forbidden.

I am an Orthodox Jewish woman. Confronting and grappling with these issues while raising seven, fiercely independent daughters is my life’s work and I know that I am not unique.